Learn From Yourself

‘Learn From Yourself’ is a chapter from my book, “Looking at Forty: A Most Meaningful Year”

I read old journal entries today. They were not really that old, perhaps a couple of years, but they were old enough to give me both chuckles and insight. I use a very nice notebook to make outlines for this book. It has a flamingo on the cover and is one of my favorite things I own. I find it fitting that these old journal entries occupied the first several pages of this same notebook. Until today, I had never taken the time to go back and look at what insights these pages offered. I am not sure why today, of all days, I was curious to go back and read these. Perhaps I was looking for material or fodder for the writing I am attempting today. Whatever the reason, I am glad I did. There were some interesting thoughts written upon those earlier pages.

What I found most interesting was the similarities of thought between then and now. There were many common themes in those writings and the types of things I mull over today. Some were exactly the same, as a matter of fact. When I consider it, I am unsure if that is a positive or a negative. It could be a positive in that I have been focused on things I see as important for several years. On the negative side, it could mean that I have not figured these things out by now and am still being haunted by old ghosts. It will take me far longer to resolve this question with myself than it will to write this chapter, so do not expect an answer on the matter. I did see many accomplishments over the past couple of years as well. I have gotten better at things I wanted to. I also have let certain things and thoughts go that were bothering me back in those days. At the same time, I see some lapses. At that point, I was getting bogged down with certain ideas and thoughts that I have yet to overcome. I suppose I should see that as a challenge and therefore a positive. I would say that I am proud of what I read today. I understand that I was 36 or 37 years old at the time of the writing, but there was plenty of room for growth between then and now.

At 28, I was far too cool for any sort of journal entry. I knew of people who found it useful and beneficial to keep tabs on their daily thoughts and habits, but it did not suit my sensibility. At 28, I had far better things to concern myself with. I am not saying that I made the right decision in not keeping some sort of record. In fact, likely quite the opposite. When we are younger, we are dumber. That is a fact of life that we discover around this time. When I was in my early twenties, my friends and I kept some form of documentation through videotaping various excursions and conversations and nights on the town. I have recently gone back and watched these tapes and I can tell you they are not the same as a journal entry. Many of my actions on the tapes were done specifically because there was recording happening. There were not a lot of deep thoughts or in-depth questions or anything of the like. Those recordings seemed to be for others, not for me.

At 39, I suppose I have a new form of journal. My new form is my attempt at a book. When you think about it, that is what this is. It is a journal of the year before I turn 40. When I think of it that way, I am even happier with the progress. I have made a few attempts in recent years at keeping a journal, and I have not had much luck. Like the entries I read this morning, they tend to die out after a week or so. I have been keeping this up, the writing of the book, for about ten months, by far the longest attempt at a project I have undertaken and stuck with. I also hope that more people will read these words than have read my previous attempts at documenting my life, meaning more than one. This form of journal has benefited me in great ways. It has allowed me to open up and write about things I would not typically talk about to others. That is a good feeling that I recommend to all who have the opportunity. Being open to having other people read your work and have a glimpse into your thoughts and questions and worries is a major form of relief. At 39, I also see the benefit of looking back. While most of us have a goal of continual progression, it may be difficult to accomplish without knowing where you started. We all need waypoints, and without proof of those, it is tough to progress with any confirmation.

Progress is something we all need. It is a driver and a guide for where we want to go. The insights that today’s readings provided me were priceless. I was surprised at times, disappointed at others, but happy with what I witnessed. I now know that I am a better person today than I was when those words were written. I also know that I have some work to do, and that there is nothing wrong with that. I urge us all to have some form of documentation of that movement. It is tough to get to where you want to go without knowing where you came from. Hell, it is impossible. So write, record, photograph, do something. But even more importantly, go back and evaluate your progress over time. If necessary, adjust your goals and your focus. Memories are priceless, preserve them. That is what I did two years ago and what I am doing today. I look forward to what I will read two years from now.

-Houston Bailey (@BumpBailey)